Sunday, November 15, 2009

didn't see this coming

Just when you think you're in the clear of personal drama and life-confusion, someone out there decides "no way hozay, let's try this drama on for size"..So here I sit, knowing I don't have to move (yay!) but when I finally take a deep sigh of relief I have to quickly suck it all back in. The same week my location limbo ended, my relationship limbo has been brought to font. The BF is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met, and I should know...he's been a part of my life for almost 7 years now. He's a hard working and caring person, loves to put others before himself and make sure everyone is taken care of and happy, even if that means putting his own desires, wishes, wants, and time on the back burner. I know all this first hand, and yet I still somehow manage to take advantage of him sometimes..not intentionally of course, but with my life tossing and turning me every which way lately, I haven't been as understanding and supportive of HIM as I should have. I know that now, because he's taken our relationship to 7th grade status...the dreaded "break"...

What does that even mean? Breaks are for a cup of coffee and employee gossip around the water cooler, not relationships with people you care about. "Break" is just another word for "I'm putting you on the back burner right now because I'm not ready to make a final decision to the situation"..and its not exactly the best feeling ever. I've done this to him plenty of times (I still feel horrible) but I knew exactly why I pulled the "breaks"; because I was getting bored and wanted to see what other fish were swimming in the sea. I was also a young, stupid, immature adolescent who still has not forgiven herself for all the wrong I have caused to this person I care so much about. It hurts really bad. He says not to worry, that he just needs some space, but what does that all really mean? Is there someone else? Is he bored with ME? Did I push his buttons too far needing him more then he was able to give? All these questions are flooding my head and it's getting hard to think or do anything else besides sit and zone out. He's my best friend, I care about him more then anything else and he's the one person in my life I know will always be there for me no matter what...least I thought I'm not so sure.

I've never checked my phone so many times in a day hoping to see a text from BF, never looked at someones facebook status more to see if it changed, hoping to get a clue as to how is feeling...I'm boarding on stalker status... After all is said and done I do realize how my negative energy effects people around me, in a more drastic way then I ever realized. There's about 500 things I would have done differently, but I don't know if I'll get the chance. Haven't talked to him for 48 hours...and counting...

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