not even photoshop could help me know

what can I say, i'm incredibly new to this whole "fashion blogging" thing. I was invited to join Lookbook.nu which was a HUUUGGEE honor to me being as I am SUCH a newbie via the web to this whole scene, so here's my first look. One thing you should know about me is I love close...a ton. There is no such thing as too much, I love creating outfits, i love dressing other people, I love being out of the box when it comes to what i present myself in for the day. Am i feeling chic? Comfortable? Lazy? Sexy? Masculine? Ultra- Fem? I love all the options. It's a sense of complete control that I can't get from much else :) only thing is now I have to learn how to take a decent picture...because clearly I look like SUCH an amateur! This is horrid and I'm sure it will haunt me the rest of my blogging career. ish.

You make breaking hearts look so easy...

and then it ends. After a week of non responsive torture to my heart he finally ended it. Said "he cant be in a relationship right now and it's not fair to me"...right, "fair"...After a very very long drive at 3 in the morning, i just feel numb. IDK what to do really...Heartbroken, yes, but now what? I'm leaving for school in 6 months, I work a lot, and he was my best friend...for 6 years now. Guess I gotta figure it out on my own now. You never really know what you got till you're missing it a lot, that's for sure. All the "should have could have would have"s start floating around your mind making you feel like this all could have been avoided if you'd just done a few things different...but you didnt. Why not? It's a question that will always remain unanswered and who knows what will come of me and Mr. Garland. Till then, I gotta find some other things to occupy my time...least my San Fran trip is coming up soon, get the hell out of this godforsaken town and just experience another place on my own for a few days...If I had known all this was happening I would have registered for the winter classes..Eff my life.

-AbM

love love love love

What am I currently loving?...

My MacBook (hearts)

Cobra Starship "Hot Mess" album (do not underestimate the power of electric pop people)

Tights/Leggings/Nylons/Any non-traditional pants as pants

Leather ...on anything

Large chunky bobbles (necklaces, rings, earrings, bracelets, head bands)

Bows. nuff said

My Americano and my morning fashion blogs on a cold blistery day...

those are my current loves. Now when I figure out how to put pictures up on this thing, we can really start communicating :) love you blog, love you

-AbM

didn't see this coming

Just when you think you're in the clear of personal drama and life-confusion, someone out there decides "no way hozay, let's try this drama on for size"..So here I sit, knowing I don't have to move (yay!) but when I finally take a deep sigh of relief I have to quickly suck it all back in. The same week my location limbo ended, my relationship limbo has been brought to font. The BF is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met, and I should know...he's been a part of my life for almost 7 years now. He's a hard working and caring person, loves to put others before himself and make sure everyone is taken care of and happy, even if that means putting his own desires, wishes, wants, and time on the back burner. I know all this first hand, and yet I still somehow manage to take advantage of him sometimes..not intentionally of course, but with my life tossing and turning me every which way lately, I haven't been as understanding and supportive of HIM as I should have. I know that now, because he's taken our relationship to 7th grade status...the dreaded "break"...

What does that even mean? Breaks are for a cup of coffee and employee gossip around the water cooler, not relationships with people you care about. "Break" is just another word for "I'm putting you on the back burner right now because I'm not ready to make a final decision to the situation"..and its not exactly the best feeling ever. I've done this to him plenty of times (I still feel horrible) but I knew exactly why I pulled the "breaks"; because I was getting bored and wanted to see what other fish were swimming in the sea. I was also a young, stupid, immature adolescent who still has not forgiven herself for all the wrong I have caused to this person I care so much about. It hurts really bad. He says not to worry, that he just needs some space, but what does that all really mean? Is there someone else? Is he bored with ME? Did I push his buttons too far needing him more then he was able to give? All these questions are flooding my head and it's getting hard to think or do anything else besides sit and zone out. He's my best friend, I care about him more then anything else and he's the one person in my life I know will always be there for me no matter what...least I thought that...now I'm not so sure.

I've never checked my phone so many times in a day hoping to see a text from BF, never looked at someones facebook status more to see if it changed, hoping to get a clue as to how is feeling...I'm boarding on stalker status... After all is said and done I do realize how my negative energy effects people around me, in a more drastic way then I ever realized. There's about 500 things I would have done differently, but I don't know if I'll get the chance. Haven't talked to him for 48 hours...and counting...

As the world turns...

Well I've been in the same place for a year now, and that can only mean one thing...time to move! (exclamation point for dramatic effect only). I loathe moving. It's one of the most time consuming, annoying, and frustrating things that we as humans have to do. Animals aren't forced to pack up belongings in flimsy boxes and transport it from one place to another, so why should we? If I had a desire to go through everything single thing I owned, don't you think I would have done it months ago? But alas, it is that time of year again. Only this time, when I thought I had moved to the ends of the earth...I have to move even further...to Shelton, WA. Do I even know if Shelton is on your standard map? No.

I love my father, he's the best dad he can be and he's given me more most other children never get from their parents. I consider myself one of the few lucky ones to have scored with 1 completely normal parent. But his choice in woman since divorcing my mom in '98 (actually, I guess since they got divorced she would technically count as one of the "choices" in question) has been completely hit and miss. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing gal, and she's been so gracious as to let me live with them for the past year (he's been there for 2) but her and her kids aren't normal...They're incapable of coexisting with people who function like normal human beings...he threw in the white flag in the battle and now we're forced to live in the only place we can afford right now (with him switching professions and me trying to pay for one, we're slightly strapped), our summer cabin out in Shelton.

It's a beautiful piece of property. Sitting on a clean, 5 mile natural lake, it's absolutely gorgeous..when it's 78 degrees out. In the winter it's cold, wet, windy and almost creepy. The house wasn't built with "housing" conditions in mind. We have a kitchen and running water, shower and all that stuff...but we lack a few necessities..like a washer and dryer. And heating! Let me just say, I am not looking forward to this move because I don't really see any good that can come from it. Besides having additional thinking time in the extra driving miles I'm going to wrack up, as my job isn't exactly in the Mason County area....lovely.

Right now I just want to get to school and not so much start over as to have new material to work with. New people, new places, new things to inspire and motivate. More to look at and think about. I love WA and I have no problem making this place my permanent home someday, but I gotta be doing something else by now. 4 years later, it's time to be an adult and start moving. Literally.