After a long relaxing day of magazines, pampering, and cozy leggings one would think I would be nodding off peacefully in total, utter zen bliss. Unfortunately, the one thing that could effect that rather delightful idea, occured. The dreaded "were in a rut" talk with the BF. Now let me go on the record by saying we've had our fair share of history in the 6 years we've known each other. We don't have enough fingers to measure how many times he told me he loved me and while I loved him too I "wasn't ready" and was trying to spread my relationship wings with a few, rather huge, wastes of time. I knew He was where I belonged and wanted but something was always holding back. To this day I still search high and low for whatever "it" is. I'm completely insecure with myself, work two jobs I can't stand, have no true friends to call and get advice from and live with my crazy and sometimes insane family; while He is just as insecure as I am, completely stubborn, working a second job on top of his full time career in order to put me through school and is forever exhausted... Were two screwed up people trying to figure out how to make the other person happy. When I think secretly we just wish that person would be happy with themselves first and formost. Do I care about him? Absolutely. He's always been the closest thing to a best friend that Ive had. He's accepted me for my faults and flaws along with my fancies and wishes. He drops his own schedule for mine most of the time and he hasn't been able to make his own descisions since freshman year so it's safe to say, yes I care about him. But I still feel like were missing something. Together, were just not fully getting it. It's stressful to plan an evening for us, on the rare occassion he sucks up his sleepy eyes and trys to please me by leaving the confines of his room when all he really wants to do is relax and get back to neutral. And I still try and watch as much football as humanly possible on a Sunday even when I have no clue what's going on whatsoever and drive 2 hours out of the way to bring him his favorite Thai food after a long week ( it also has been used as a peace offering on occassion). I just wish I knew how to love myself better so that I could let him love me the way he wants to. It's a never ending quest.
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Thursday, October 1, 2009
I went out last night and had a wonderfully filling meal with the boy at the cheesecake factory. If you have never been I strongly recommend it because it is in fact lifechanging cuisine. Start off with a fire roasted artichoke and Asian pear martini (delectable) and the wonderful Evelyns Favorite Pasta for a main entree. While it is a vegitarian dish, this pasta is so packed with flavor it's like a garden party in your mouth. Yum. And the only way to finish the meal off is with a slice of overly delish cheesecake... My favorite is the Chocolate Coconut Cream Cheesecake, but there is by far not a bad slice in that place. After partaking of such a wonderfully satisfying and caloric filled meal I told myself this morning "americanos and salad for you today lady" to offset the damage I did. And that worked perfectly until I woke up and devowered the rest of my cheesecake... Cheesecake in the morning isn't as tastey as it sounds I do not recommend that. But of course, after arriving at job #1 my boss starts trying to fatten me up like a Christmas turkey offering homemade smoothies and whole wheat pizza. And I can't be rude now can I? She keeps me employed after all... So I try to stomach more food, all the while cursing that cheesecake. Damn that cheesecake. ..
as i am sure you have already noticed, I am a beginner blogger. I dont really know nor understand the purpose of a blog, but what i do know is there are many and millions that I constantly view while sitting on my couch, wasting time on the compu watching reruns of the Kardashians (you do it too, be proud). Though the ones I am searching through are typically famous fashion blogs of people who have either exceptional taste or a great self style (i'm a sucker for fashion although I am very unfashionable in my own personal opinion).my name is AbM, i live in the sad, sad little town of Yelm, WA (doubt it's even on the map if you tried to find it) and I work 2 jobs while trying to save for cosmetology school. i have a very interesting family (if that's the right word? it's confusing) and a not so interesting life. the only thing interesting about my life in my opinion would be my boyfriend Josiah who even after 6 years of putting up with my back and forth, "it's not the right time" and "it is the right time" attitude still finds it in his heart to love and support me; and my dog Baxter (pictures to follow). so this will i guess be an entrance into my day to day life/a place to vent where judgement surpasses me (because lets face it, i cant see you, it's a computer screen). let me apologize in advance because I am weak with words. thank you