Monday, October 19, 2009

Creative Avoidence

After a long relaxing day of magazines, pampering, and cozy leggings one would think I would be nodding off peacefully in total, utter zen bliss. Unfortunately, the one thing that could effect that rather delightful idea, occured. The dreaded "were in a rut" talk with the BF. Now let me go on the record by saying we've had our fair share of history in the 6 years we've known each other. We don't have enough fingers to measure how many times he told me he loved me and while I loved him too I "wasn't ready" and was trying to spread my relationship wings with a few, rather huge, wastes of time. I knew He was where I belonged and wanted but something was always holding back. To this day I still search high and low for whatever "it" is. I'm completely insecure with myself, work two jobs I can't stand, have no true friends to call and get advice from and live with my crazy and sometimes insane family; while He is just as insecure as I am, completely stubborn, working a second job on top of his full time career in order to put me through school and is forever exhausted... Were two screwed up people trying to figure out how to make the other person happy. When I think secretly we just wish that person would be happy with themselves first and formost. Do I care about him? Absolutely. He's always been the closest thing to a best friend that Ive had. He's accepted me for my faults and flaws along with my fancies and wishes. He drops his own schedule for mine most of the time and he hasn't been able to make his own descisions since freshman year so it's safe to say, yes I care about him. But I still feel like were missing something. Together, were just not fully getting it. It's stressful to plan an evening for us, on the rare occassion he sucks up his sleepy eyes and trys to please me by leaving the confines of his room when all he really wants to do is relax and get back to neutral. And I still try and watch as much football as humanly possible on a Sunday even when I have no clue what's going on whatsoever and drive 2 hours out of the way to bring him his favorite Thai food after a long week ( it also has been used as a peace offering on occassion). I just wish I knew how to love myself better so that I could let him love me the way he wants to. It's a never ending quest.

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